Chamath "SPAC Jesus" Palihapitiya and Adam "Office Messiah" Neumann have united with religious leaders to fix commercial real estate and usher in a new era of purposeful, productive, and spiritually enriching work environments.
The duo plans to approach large commercial real estate owners that are "underwater" and "lift them up with capital" and bring them to the light of their new shared-spiritual office model.
Instead of posh amenities, the properties would include regular religious services, education, and private "confessional" areas that would be staffed 24/7 with special "surge levels" when companies face funding deadlines.
Responding to critics pointing out the broken nature of the prior WeWork "bankruptcy machine," the founders point out that they have discovered the missing link.
"Once we take over a property, we turn the entire building and all the tenant organizations into a religion so that nobody has to pay any taxes. We've seen apartment buildings built on top of churches do this, so it's totally legit!" - Chamath.
This IPO uses a unique "faith-based" settlement model. Goldman and Morgan Stanley are running what they call the "new Good Book," and investors will have their names written into it upon receipt of their investment.
Since greed is a sin, offering any profits or return on capital would be unlawful, but investors will have their names read out of the book from time to time during quarterly conference calls. Bankers have summed up the valuation as "priceless."
The two are marketing the deal today and expect to close this evening. There won't be "shares" per se, but a "when/if issued" ticker $GOD will trade on the NYSE.
"With what we see going on in the Red Sea and all, it seems like a good time for this deal. Historically the Red Sea has been a good indicator. I think the sky is the limit." - Jamie Dimon, JP Morgan.
Investors on the fence should refer to James 6:1-5 for more on the investment case. The corporate capital allocation policy is summed up in 1 Peter 1:4.
The deal is seen as a big win for organized religion, as it backed it and sought to convert some vacant churches and related buildings.
We've seen a massive decline in participation in religion, and it's reached crisis proportions. We see a future when people put down their phones and embrace the Holy Spirit again. HeWorks will put God back in the workplace where he/she/them/they belong! - Pope Francis
Investors may wish to consult their tax and financial advisors about whether "Chief Minister" Adam Neumann can actually confer non-profit status by waving his bong in the air over them.
